Just posting Pics XP

 I was bored...what can I say.... Pshhh, don't judge XP We all have those moments we just want a self pic right?
Whaaaat? @**@ I think I look cute....

Paving my own path

Sometimes its hard to decide what your heart really wants right?

I mean, we're still young, developing kids with no life experiences to define who we are, anyway not enough to make us wise for that matter. But there are those little sparks of desire and passion that surge through our veins that if we sprinkled little drops of water everyday, it would grow into something beautiful. That humble core within us can only be nurtured...gradually.

What does your heart say?

To be fairly honest I hate that question. Seriously, are we in a movie?

Does life really slow down whilst the person you were walking with fades into something insignificant, your vision becomes black and white... you look up (in your mind), and in the far distance above the clouds this thought process is brewing something unimaginable. Then, like lightning it hits you.

Like a light bulb going off in your head. All the answers you've longed to know, the reasons for reasons, the unexplained, they all become clear. 

'Ahhh...thats why...' You think.

Now you know the reason to live?!?!?!?!

Err...Wtf. 

This is not how life really works is it?

For us its more like this.

Friend: Why don't you pursue what you love to do?

Me: Its not that simple -_-

Friend: Yeah it actually is...

Me: Really -_- Where do I begin then?

Friend: Err, well....Just, *cough*. Ask GOOGLE! XD

Me: [slaps friend] 

Is it me, or does anyone ever have these moments? Whats in my heart? I ask myself. 

Unless you've figured out your strength in life for you to pave the road to accomplishment its actually hard for  others...like me. It is..I mean was hard for me to figure out who I am and what I want to be or how I want to spend my life. My ambitions were non existent merely a fragmented dream that just lingered in the back of my dreary mind. I would live for the moment and not the future, like an animal. 

 You know, like a panda. I was a panda in habit.

I'd just sit there in my room the whole day. In symmetry to me a panda sits the whole day besides the occasional stroll it would have in the forest, to look for food.

Similarly, I would occasionally leave my room to wonder off and find myself opening the kitchen fridge to feed off a snack. 

It was..I was pathetic. 

I didn't know who I was apart from a general profile : Brown eyes, brown skin, medium/tall, [weight], interests: reading a book etc, dislikes: cucumber etc...

Even so I couldn't draw the line between what I liked to what I liked because my idol liked it? I would end up believing I liked something because of someone else. My mind would end up re-wiring itself into someone else. The real me would try to scream through the wall I hid it behind? And suddenly I would ask myself ' who am I?'

It takes strong will power to break that wall we have during our adolescent years. Puberty.

Hahaha, I'm only eighteen but I now know why we have clear, distinct boundaries between childhood, teen hood and adulthood. 

In my sociology classes we are taught that sociologist believe that childhood is a social construction.

Err. Not really, its more than that. Going from childhood to adulthood is a physical, mental and biological transformation.

Anyway, my point it.

[reader: finally -_-]

Seriously though. For all teenagers out there reading this I need you to understand life only comes once.

You were born the way you are because you have a role to play on this stage we call 'life'. You are the main character of you life. Not your friend, not your boyfriend! They are just people that come and go on and off of the stage. 

Don't waste your time expecting a miracle, love, opportunities.

These things are only going to be further away from you if you are waiting or expecting it. You just keep living until you spontaneously get a miracle, love or opportunities in life. Don't put your life on a stand still and expect the best response!

If you were on the stage, just staring at the audience, standing there, still, motionless. Do you think you'll get a standing ovation? 

NO!!

If you have a dream, WAKE UP and make it happen. Don't forget its currently a dream not reality. But if you want it to work then WAKE UP!

For those who are indecisive, 'confused' or reluctant. 

Remember this:

"People will not listen to what you say. But they will listen to what you do"

If your parents are extremely against what you believe in? Won't listen to you? Will 'take non of it'?

Then SHOW THEM!!

I've decided to do what I want in life. Because in the end, its mine right?!

Don't get me wrong. Our parents have like a sixth sense so try to understand where they are coming from. Negotiate.

E.g Just because I want to do acting as a career. It also doesn't mean I'll give up school to head out to auditions.

I need to go university for a platform to fall on if things don't turn out the way I planned it. It's important to be successful and have an educational background as it will also define your perception of life. 

Pave your own path...

- Helen x

DAIRY ENTRY: IT ALL HAPPENED IN SLOW-MOTION.

08:00 AM

Okay, my morning begins as usual as it can possibly be. I spend an hour or so taking a shower and going through my daily regime....

... 

^ That my friends was a load of crap. 

I'm in fact the worlds laziest sapient and quite a refined procrastinator may I add.  So you want to know how my morning really began?

"I'm warning you, this contains the authors account of her life that may evoke images of discomfort and cringe-ness "

TAKE 2 

11:59AM

"FUUUUCK!" 

I rip off the withering IKEA duvet cover down my shoulders and sprint to the bathroom un-tucking a wedgy whilst rubbing bits of tear crust. Upon entering my surprisingly well cleaned bathroom I instantly face the mirror, shudder from the pair of eyes and unknown person staring back at me and with one swift movement I've got my tooth paste in one hand and brush in the other.

5 minutes later... or more

"Mum, bye....I've got that interview later. Might be late!"

I'm running now! I don't care how I get to college but I can't be late... actually I already am but I can't be absent. My weekly pocket money isn't from mum but rather my college which they say is the instigator to good attendance. THEIR DAMN RIGHT! Its my only pay so i'm practically forced to attend school. Damn them - tempting our poor souls with money...

SHIT. Just missed my bus.

Did I mention that it comes in intervals. Meaning I have another 25 minutes till the next one!

Moments like these I wish 'Red bull' gave me wings. But that's beside the point. I AM LATE! 

I've decided to take a short cut. I've already crossed the road and gone through West Wood Park.

All the while I can feel a trickling sensation on my forehead- I'm sweating.

EWW! That's just great isn't. Notice my sense of sarcasm right there.

So I'm running - imagine it okay? Running at a fast but steady pace constantly lifting my arms every few seconds trying to adjust my backpack - but i'm running.

10 minutes later...

I'm still running, slower but i'm an athlete - kind off. But i'm fit enough to run for 15minutes, plus there's the teen hormones and adrenaline pumping through my veins.

Anyway, I can see the bridge now. Ahhh it only takes 5 minutes from there to walk to college. i reassure myself i'll stop running once I pass the bridge, so with that in mind I kick my feet up a notch and leg it.

...Towards the bridge.

There should have been warning bells ringing in my mind. Like 'Hey Helen, look out there's a guy walking towards you. Hey Helen there are stares at the end of the bridge. Or maybe hey bitch, the bridge side bars aren't very secure and rather short. BE CAREFUL HELEN, SLOW DOWN!'

I was too late.

I collide shoulders with the guy walking towards me, I swivel on my heels in the most awkward angle and in 'slow motion' I start to tilt backwards - as if the worlds axis suddenly went horizon. Realization hits me when I feel my backpack weigh me down unfairly making the fall come ever so quickly.

I'm reaching, elongating my hands towards this guy who may I add has the greenest eyes - forest green eyes I've ever seen. Anyway, i'm focused on him now to save me since my legs aren't complying.

So im reaching out to him now because he's facing me. He begins to raise his palms; I can see he's intending to grab my fingers. But he's too late.

I'm suddenly faced with the heavens and sky; instantly I hit the waters below and all goes black... At this point i'm sure I've been submerged into the palms of death.

Present 

Now I'm in a hospital bed with scars bruises, thin green garment, a borrowed laptop and an unknown number written on a piece of yellow sticky note saying.

'Sorry about the fall. Call me. 

Gabriel'

What the hell right?

Crap

0_o

The girl next to me wants her laptop back, so I have to go.

I'll post whatever life gives me.

Not a suicide note.

Last post wasn't a suicide note.

I made it sound like it though didn't I?

Its just a little more deeper than it sounds.

It has a completely different meaning to what it first comes across as.

But I am going through something emotionally damaging?

ARGGGH. Just read it.

Its pretty emo-ish right?

Ma Bad?

P.s : Its a poem by me. It's very personal. Take it in wisely and write your own poems guys.

I'm sorry mother I couldn't read in between the lines

Do you love me mother? 

Do you love me?

Like, really love me?

You say you hate me everyday.

You ignore me most hours.

You throw dinner at my feet.

You spit words of fire on my face.

You curse me with words beneath the sun in many tongues.

You labelled me the black sheep in the family.

You've spilled my attempts of forgiveness.

... and now I have nothing left to forgive.

But I am your eldest daughter mother.

Why?

Father, do you love me?

Do you love so?

Like, really love me?

You feed your son the love I've never tasted.

You spray some love to my sister who now sleeps in my room. 

You look me in the eyes whilst a storm brews and cast me aside.

You whisper threats in my ear.

You've spilled my attempts of forgiveness.

... and now I have nothing left to forgive.

But I am your second eldest daughter father.

Why?

Mother, father.

I am leaving.

I will go somewhere nice and peaceful. A place where there is no sound, no light, no love and no one.

I know you will miss me greatly but hate me maybe.

Because I am your daughter.

But you have both spilled my forgiveness till nothing remains. 

So I can leave you all behind without forgiveness.

And you will shed tears too with no forgiveness.

So we will part ways on equal ground.

Mother, Father.

I know you want whats best for me.

I know you have love for me.

But a blind man can't walk the streets without a stick.

Mother, Father.

I was blind. 

I didn't see your love for me.

I never spelled any love.

I never tasted it either.

I never touched the love you all shared.

It was too far away.

Mother, Father. 

A blind mans other senses enhance right? They're supposed to feel,touch,smell and taste better RIGHT!

BUT!

But....

...But I couldn't. 

Where was the love?

You didn't have a stick to help walk either....

^_^ 

Now I've walked into this darkness with nothing but bitterness.

Its not so bad.

I can at least feel.

Mother, Father. I hope you have a good life. Say bye to sister and brother okay?

Its too late now.

Bye.

P.s 

I'm sorry mother I couldn't read in between the lines